thex's Blog

For KittyFee hehe

Uhmmm... today I am here... thinking about you... my heart echoes, and I start to listen to your voice, my special one. I'm not going to hide it, I do am in love, a shame I can't hold your hand right now... hug you, tell her I don't want to be not even a sigle minute without her... she calls me, and automatically my eyes close when the call starts, it may sound a little silly for many you know? "Why you close your eyes?"... if it is a skype call, I will plug my head phones ona dn again just close my eyes, if it is a call on my cellphone I will gently place it on my ear and close my eyes once again... "But why you do that?"... for a single reason... if my eyes are close I feel she is in front of me, and not far away, because I plug my headphones, the sound doesn't echo, it goes directly to my ears, and it feels as it is so close you know? I feel like if I stand my hand I could hold her hand or maybe just stroke her cheek... it's lovely in a way. I see pictures of you, I listen to your voice on the videos, sometimes I watch the video on my computer, so I can see your smile increasing slowly, and when I notice I am already melted, having a big silly smile on my face.

I guess love is different for every person.... but if you would ask me how is love, I would tell you this.
"It's this amazing feeling, you feel your heart skip beats and you feel butterflies in your stomach. It's something bigger than the universe, you just can't explain you know? You feel that burst of energy inside of you, your eyes start seeing the world different.... just like a dream, birds singing on a tree, you see leafs dancing in the air while the wind is blowing, you see shapes on the clouds, when the night comes and you see many starts and you say to yourself that the stars is not enough to point everything you like on the person you love, and the best part of it is that you know that is not a dream, because the person is there with you everyday, you open your eyes and there is the person smilling at you saying good morning, and before sleeping on a cold day, instead of getting alot of blankets the person just cuddles into you, and you want to warm your love and your love will warm you back. Today you wake up and say to yourself 'Yesterday I thought I was in love for him/her but today I woke up and I am feling a stronger feeling', and on the next day the same happen and it happen again and again, and you say to yourself  'Okay, this is love, today I love her/him like the infinite and tomorrow will be infinite +1'. Some will say it doesn't even make sense, it's infinite, how can it have a +1? And well I can't explain it.... because it's not my mind that is saying it, it's my heart"

Well this is love to me..... that is how I feel about my special one.... I do am a dreamer, but I know I'm not dreaming, I close my eyes and there is she holding my hand... it is a shame I can't hold your hand yet right dear? But once I can hold, our paths will cross and our two roads will become only one, and if in our way we hurt your ankle, I'm not going to leave you behind and keep walking, I will stay next to you and then you will place your arms around my neck and I will carry you on my back, I'm not going to leave you... I feel our relationship is a little unfair you know hehe *smiles gently* it's because I'm very far on beeing someon perfect, I have many flaws, and you my rainbow flower, in my eyes... *smiles gently*, you are simply perfect

I am dedicating this story for you... and I want to share with everybody about my feelings over you, your name I shall not say here, because it's secret right? hehe.... your username is Kitty..... Awwwwwwwwwww I took this long to notice about that..... you used the nickname I gave you.... *smiles gently* Fee, I remember the talk like if it was yesterday hehe.... I took long to think about that nickname, and I just thought with myself "hey, it's the little things that are important", so I nicknamed you like my nickname hehe.... Buu&Fee *smiles gently*

KittyFee, I love you <3


You know why I love this place?.... I love here because well I don't have to lie about who I am and specially because my friends would never find about this site..... it's like a diary to me you know.... people I have on facebook or email, people who call me "friend".... just annoys me....... like yesterday.... I was talking to this girl.... I will call her "N" here.... So I know N for like uhmmmm........ maybe a year?.... we were never close you know..... and i never went back to where we used to meet... i stopped going to thoose classes..... thing is that we never hada thing to talk about and sometimes when I wanted to talk something to her, a person was already talking with her, so I just didn't mind anymore... if she wanted to talk to me she could come but I wouldn't come to her..... people never notice me you know, why should I bother? I'm used to beeing very quiet already, I'm not suppose to open my mouth if people don't direct their words to me, and so I do.... I don't give my opnion very easy....... uhmmm now going back to the main topic....

So N really didn't talk much to me, and I wasn't bothered by that.... sometimes N wanted to spend time with me but there was always another person, and N focus on the other person more than me.... so now that i don't show up anymore... N wants to meet me, just me and her.... I'm a little mad because when she had me she didn't mind, and now that i vanished she wants me?!? Why?.... I'm not confused..... I just don't like theese things....... why now she cares about me? just because i vanished?... she says she misses me..... 

I have to go now.... guess i will wirte something some other time...

Was it you?

"Today I woke up. I looked at the side of my bed.... and there you were.... my body is numb, yes my hand is straight on your direction.... you looking at me almost if you had something to say.... you try to open your mouth but there is no voice... my eyes are fixed on you almost if I could ask (what are you doing here?)... my hand is open and you approach me.... I"m still looking at you unable to move.... maybe is it you that is holding me?.... I try looking at your face straight and yet all I can see is a foggy face... a foggy body....... I try looking at your feet and there I notice you are not from the living world.... I can see a tear on your eye.... Your tear fall in my hand and then my hand automatically closes.... When I open my hand to see your tear you just vanish in thin air..... The thing on my hand is a crystal pendant I had since childhood... that pendant looked like a tear made of crystal.... Father gave me that pendant after you died... said you made that for me... So now I must ask.....

Was it you mother?"

I dreamed of you....

Yesterday... my dream was about her.... I felt this warm inside.. I think it was suppose to be a bad dream... maybe even a nightmare, but then I just saw her face and things got better.... it was kind of frightening because I could barely move myself.. I think I was in pain, but them she got close to me, she put her knees on the floor and was sitting there looking at me, she then put her hand getly on my face, she gently passed the back of her hand on my face, she did that my entire dream, while softly smilling to me... feeling that warm was pretty amazing, I even woke up with a smile on my face....I am happy that I dreamed of her for the first time hehe

I Hate You!!!!

You know.... I just need to tell this...I'm tired of you, and no I am not sorry because you are not a good thing, because of you I already wake up like crap, I crawl out of bed or else I won't get out of bed at all, I need to feel the cold floor touching my skin to give me that sparkle to get up, it's very unpleasant because it is already winter here...

If only the problem was just me getting up I wouldn't hate you so much.... you took my dreams away, you gave me insomnia, and you made me feel alot of things, most of the time negatives... like rage, how many times I wanted to hurt myself and others, to tell the truth when melancholia hit me I was actually glad, at least I wouldn't be doing nothing than just sleeping. You made me feel haapy, you made me feel love, but somehow I was always going back to rage, I wonder why is that... you make my eyes hurt, you make me lose my mind to myself.

Today you are still inside of me, I want to get rid of you.. to throw you away, maybe my life will get better, maybe it can change to worse. There are no word to describe how much I hate you, and as the most I want to get rid of you I can't, because I know what it would cause me..... despair... madness..... 

I want to get rid of you as much as I can't live without you... I just simply... *sighs* hate you...


Look in the eye..... tell me what do you see? I'm not just saying to look in the eye, look deep inside it.... eyes can tell something to you more than you might think.. like that girl. She looked on thoose eyes... deep, so deep that I got shocked....

"I feel you are a little bit different, you don't say NOTHING, literally, but I feel you try to tell things it is important for you, with your eyes, I noticed that since last year, that's why I didn't look in your eyes, and this year I decided to look. Why you think since I got back to kung fu I could stare at anyone's eyes, unless you? It was like a lion that I had to kill in training, now I stare you know... but every time I stare is undecipherable, it seems it want to scream, to say something, but I don't know what it is. Maaaan your look is infinitevely infinite, it's like a child is prisioned inside of you and that you don't release for nothing and that child tries  to comunicate with us here in the outside... it's like you feel opressed.... damn.."

Just sadness

You look up on the sky... you wish to look at that cerulean blue to feel better but yet you can.. you look sad to it and you just see more sadness, the sky is all covered with clouds, you try to search for that tiny little spot that will be that cerulean blue and you search for it, you search but all you can find is clouds, dark clouds... it looks like the sky is gonna fall on any minute, and by all thoose dark clouds you just know it will be a storm and yet you feel uneasy.. you want to look at the sky because it makes you feel better, forget about the sadness on your heart.... forget you have a broken heart... and just there you lie your knees on the ground and look at the skies.... a tear fall from your eyes, you just can't handle it anymore, the hope is gone on your heart, and the more you look up, more tears starts falling from your little face... and then it just starts raining, just like if the skies understood you and felt for you, and the more you keep looking the more it rains, drops falls all over your face, it's even hard to tell what are your tears and what are the waters from the skies... you feel like your life doesn't matter, and what can be said? Maybe it doesn't.... you curls yourself just like a little ball, you hug your kness with your arms and lies your head on them... you wish someone is there to comfort you and yet no one shows up as the rain is still falling... you are already soaked from the rain, but you don't feel like moving... you are still crying holding your legs tight.. you just want it to end, but it doesn't seem it will ever stop. . . hours pass and you still are there sitted on the ground as the rain is falling, as you see it starts to get lighter, and now it is just falling some drops of the sky. . . and the tears stops falling from your face.... you just stop for a second and stars lifting your head up again, with the hope you can see the sky, you stop for this only instant of crying, just to look at the sky... you look at it and you just become more sad, there are no more clouds in the sky, but there are no cerulean blue to be seen too.... what you are looking at is the dark color of the sky after it becomes night.... and there is no moon or starts at it, and you just wonder to yourself:


"I am all alone. . ."


Hey everyone how have you been in the ages I didn't posta  blog? *laughs*..... damn I hate it.... how my mind is confusing, like I deleted all my previous posts, after I wrote some but I blocked them all.... well the only one that is not blockes is "The Garden", you can read it *smiles*.... anyway I'm not here to talk about that....

Well after ending school I started to get better and better you know..... from the point I was and the point I am you can say I kinda reborned.... well I'm getting out of my meds, that's good right? hehe

Well so how has life beeing to The X? Well I'm taking kung fu classes really hard now, it is actually the reason that I'm so good theese days hehe, and guess what? I'm starting to take the classes that I dreamed for years, breakdance, boy I'm going to take thoose classes seriously, maybe with time I will even post some videos *laughs*

Oh here between us, on the last thrusday I went to an experimental class of jazz and oh my god!! I was the only boy there.... like around a 30 girls.... I just had to forget that I was the only boy, close my eyes and focus in the class.... and the teacher is hard *laughs*, I just didn't fainted in her warming up because I pratice kung fu!! hahaha, I liked the teacher, I will try to attempt her classes maybe.... some said to me that I'm in heaven, the perfect chance to find a girl..... I'm shy and don't like talking..... seriously I'm in no heaven there..... I stared at the floor the whole class *laughs*

Chrono Cross poem

What was the start of all this?
When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
Perhaps it is impossible to grasp the answer now,
From deep within the flow of time...
But, for a certainty, back then
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under Cerulean skies...
Thus the curtain closes on another tale.

An eternity has passed...
Fleeting dreams fade into the distance...
All that is left now
Is me and my memories...
But I'm sure we'll meet again,
Someday, you and I...
Another place, another time.
It's just that we might not realize
That you are you and I am me...
Let us open the door to the great unknown,
Come across another reality,
And live another today...
Even when the story has been told,
Life goes on...
Until we meet again,
Take care of yourself, my friend...
   Forever yours,

                                     Schala "Kid" Zeal

Knowing Better

^^(happiness): Hey everyone *smiles*
--(numb): ... hey
>(anger): Shut up!!
=(Curious): Uhmm... hey.... didn't see you earlier..... who are you?
^^: I'm happiness, what about all of you?
=: I'm Curious, nice to meet you
--: Introductions again? *sigh*...
=: uhmmm... he is Numb and the other one is Anger....
>: Who said you could say my name to others?!?!
=:Uhmmm... sorry Anger....
^^: Why you are so angry? Life is good silly *smiles*
T.T(Sadness): Sorry for interrupting but since when?.....
^^: Since always *smiles*
=: Uhmmm.... can you share your name?.... (it probably is something like sad.... *wonders*)
T.T: Sadness....
=: Uhmmm.... thanks for sharing.... (what is going on here.... our names are related to feelings....) *starts thinking*
--: What are you thinking?
=: Didn't you notice?.... your eyes are numb and that's what you are feeling, Anger is with angry eyes, Sadness crying, Happiness smilling.... there must be something there...... our names are related to our eyes expression....
--: I guess it's truth... hmph.... you just made me remember why I'm numb.....
=: Wait..... you have a story?
>: . . . ok now you are beeing just stupid! Don't you have your own life story?!?
=: *wonders*... uhmmm.... not that I remember of... I just like learning stuff.... want to learn everything in the world.
>: *shakes head*, that's your story stupid!!
=: huh? didn't got that.....
--: He said that's your story... about your name.... you want to learn everything so you must be curious.....
=: Ahhhhh, now I understand.
*a minute of silence*
=: So uhmmm.... what is everyone's story?
>: None of your business!!
--: I agree with Anger on this one... don't feel like sharing....
^^: Can I begin with mine? *smiles*
T.T: Can I die now? *tears goes down the face*
=: *holds Sadness arms*.... let's hear happiness story... maybe it can make you feel better....
T.T: Nothing can make my broken heart better....
=: Can you at least try? There is nothing here after all.... just this dark water that we are stepping and this black place that Numb say that's Eternity.... not even time exists....
T.T: Ok.... *sigh*, guess I can try hearing since there is nothing else to do....
=: Ok, so Happiness, tell your story for us. *thinky looks*
^^: Yayyy, *smiles*. So all beggins in the beggining when........

The Beginning

Since the world began turning things started beeing created by an entity that's not knowed until today, and some people think it's God, but what kind of God is that, and why to create after all? Was God bothered to wonder alone in the vast universe? And did the world just had one God? Fields were created, nature was born and so the souls of it, and after it materials was created, like animals, trees, humans, elements, everything that we see with our own eyes.... but why we are here? What is everyone is destiny, fate our mission? Well to know more about it, let's go deep in a place where time doesn't exist..... where there are no such things as materials..... a vast place like the universe and a place deep like that is just a heart.... not the heart that beats, but the Heart, a place where the only ones who talks are feelings and emotions....

Anger, Sadness, Happiness, Numb, Hate, Love, Calm, Curious and many others that are deep hidden in the Heart.... *Scene closes*

= (Curious): Uhhmmmm.... Hey
-- (Numb): .... hey
> (Anger): What the hell is going on?!?!
--: Good question.....
=: Uhhhmmmm...... I was sleeping and kinda now I'm here..... anyone know what this place is?
>: Who minds it?!
--: Maybe this place is eternity.... after all, here don't have anything.....
=: In what we are stepping after all? It appears to be water but it's black....
--: That's why I said it maybe is eternity..... what color is the universe?
=: Ahhh, it's black, I think I got your point
>: Can the two stop talking?!?!
--: He started, I just followed.....
=: What is the point of beeing here all by ourselves if we are not going to talk? And uhmmmm what are your names? I'm Curious
--: Numb is the name....
>: None of your business! I will say just if you stop talking!
=: uhmmm.... ok..... I stop if you say.....
=: (Boy... he is really angry..... I wonder why is that.....)

Continues in the next episode(blog entry).....

1-11 of 11 Blogs   

Previous Posts
For KittyFee hehe, posted January 15th, 2013, 3 comments
Venting, posted November 8th, 2012
Was it you?, posted September 20th, 2012
I dreamed of you...., posted August 6th, 2012, 1 comment
I Hate You!!!!, posted July 20th, 2012
Eye, posted July 19th, 2012
Just sadness, posted May 26th, 2012, 1 comment
Reborning, posted February 20th, 2012, 1 comment
Chrono Cross poem, posted December 6th, 2011
Knowing Better, posted August 7th, 2011, 2 comments
The Beginning, posted August 6th, 2011

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